Complaint, Criticism or Contempt?

by Pelauria

As some of you might or might not know, I pretty much consider myself a failure in terms of romantic relationship between me and a man.

I ask you, what better reason to WRITE A BOOK about the subject! ? What you can't do, teach, right?

In fairness, in an effort to actually have something worthy to say, I'm doing research by both reading books and practicing in real life. And I've done spiritual counseling sessions with many different people, that has been quite illuminating as well.

So, deep in my research process, I thought I'd share something today, a little excerpt from a book called The Four Keys to Improving Your Marriage.

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Before you utter a word, remember that you really do have a choice. Think of your next statement as a fork in the road of your argument. Here is where you decide whether to keep the conversation reasonable by expressing a specific complaint or to head into rocky terrain by criticizing or verbalizing contempt.

* A complaint is specific, limited to one situation. It states how you feel.

*A criticism tends to be global and includes blaming your partner. You'll often find the word always or never in a criticism.

*Contempt adds insult to the criticism. It is verbal character assassination in which you accuse your partner of stupidity, incompetence, etc.

Here is a quiz, answer whether each is a Complaint, Criticism or Contempt:

1. I am upset that you didn't pay the gas bill.

2. How can I ever trust you?

3. You are totally irresponsible.

4. You stupid jerk!

5. I should have known you'd pull something like that.

6. You are just terrible with the kids.

7. When we don't go out together I feel like you take me for granted.

8. I wish that you'd touch me and be more affectionate.

9. Don't interrupt!

10. You just never care about my feelings.

11. Leave it to you and you screw up the vacation plans!

12. Whose fault is it then?

13. Don't tell me you didn't know any better.

14. I'm sick to death of your behavior.

15. Have you got an attitude problem?

16. When you don't listen to me I feel unimportant.

17. I'm upset you didn't clean up the dishes last night.

18. You're just like your mother!

19. How can you hurt me like this?

ANSWERS:

1. I am upset that you didn't pay the gas bill. COMPLAINT

2. How can I ever trust you? CRITICISM

3. You are totally irresponsible. CONTEMPT

4. You stupid jerk! CONTEMPT

5. I should have known you'd pull something like that. CONTEMPT

6. You are just terrible with the kids. CRITICISM

7. When we don't go out together I feel like you take me for granted. COMPLAINT

8. I wish that you'd touch me and be more affectionate. COMPLAINT

9. Don't interrupt! COMPLAINT

10. You just never care about my feelings. CRITICISM

11. Leave it to you and you screw up the vacation plans! CONTEMPT

12. Whose fault is it then? CRITICISM

13. Don't tell me you didn't know any better. CRITICISM

14. I'm sick to death of your behavior. CRITICISM

15. Have you got an attitude problem? CRITICISM

16. When you don't listen to me I feel unimportant. COMPLAINT

17. I'm upset you didn't clean up the dishes last night. COMPLAINT

18. You're just like your mother! CONTEMPT

19. How can you hurt me like this? CRITICISM

If you understand how a complaint differs from criticism or contempt but still have difficulty controlling yourself from being negative during an argument, keep the following general guidelines in mind.

* Remove the blame from your comments.

* Say how YOU feel.

* Don't criticize your partner's personality.

* Don't insult, mock, or use sarcasm.

* Be direct.

* Stick with one situation.

* Don't try to analyze your partner's personality.

* Don't try to mind-read.

Most of all, try to be as specific as possible when you complain. The more concrete your grievance, the more you'll improve your partner's understanding of why you're upset.

Think of it as filling in X, Y, Z:

"When you did (or didn't do) X in situation Y, I felt Z."

Examples:

"When you touch me here before we've cuddled for awhile it's hard for me to relax."

or

"When you want to have sex right when I get home from work it makes me feel dehumanized."

or

"When you didn't pay the bill when you said you would I suddenly felt out of control of our finances and afraid."

or

"When you threw your wet towel on the floor this morning I got upset because I prefer the house to stay neat."

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There are bound to be problems and difficulties and grievances in any relationship, communication and communicating fairly is key.

At least that's what I've learned today. Now I need to send a link to this to my ex-husband LOL!!!

No, really, by the time I ready for the nursing home maybe I'll get good at this.